It’s safe to say that I’m coming from the stables of pain and confusion. I have experienced loss in all angles over the past few years from huge financial losses to death of loved ones and disappointments of various forms and magnitudes. It has become fact now more than ever that one cannot simply microwave their journey out of pain. One just can’t up and go from pain! More often we hear them say ‘move on!’ yet no-one has ever quite explained how that you move on! Those that say move on, have no idea how ‘what is now not’ has been your life all along and now you have to carry on without it -change. Can you change? Do you want to change? Sometimes you just want to stay in the anger, stay in the pain and feel it right through to the core. I found that i had to try and make sense of why i was in emotional pain and try to figure out how i could possibly end it in the midst of the change that had been forced on me. When the situation is not as envisaged and the outcomes are undesirable, how do you forge ahead? Friends, in the absence of the loved one, the finances, the business, the friendships or relationships – whatever it is that may be causing you, you and you pain -Is it even possible to move on?
The truth is
Sometimes I just wanted to be angry,
Sometimes I wanted to be left alone
Yes, there were times I wanted to shout and yell and curse even
What would life be like if i wasn’t trying so hard to love the unloveable- some people are ever so determined to hurt you
If i wasn’t wishing for what is not possible -for when someone has passed on, it is the end of hope in this world
If i wasn’t trying to move on or deal with it or face reality they say- accepting what is simply not sensibly acceptable.
What if i just wanted sit in the pain and mop all day?
Sometimes i wanted to feel the pain to the core and not move on. Pain can be such a powerful comfortzone while yet destroying you from inside. It has the power to extinguish all zeal for progression and one finds themselves unable to move from the stumbling block. Unfortunately the task of carrying on in the journey of life remains one’s own for noone can walk another man’s journey for them. It will not be possible to have peace and quality of life if one does not intentionally and deliberately step up from the place of darkness and pursue light. It therefore becomes dangerous to remain drenched in the pain of unfortunate events. The thing is that we all have some form of darkness within (the traumas, fears, losses, bad experiences and memories etc). It is foolishness to wish these away as they simply can not be deleted from ones life or past. Then we have the light also within (the good experiences and memories, the blessings and future possibilities). Whichever one of the two one chooses to focus on will grow and overcome the other.
Painful events and experiences force us to stop in our journey of life. They bring us to a halt in which so much thinking and questioning happens and most of it has no answers. It is here that the subject of moving on becomes amplified by self or loved ones or even onlookers. However it is one thing to realise or become aware of the necessity of moving on. It is quite another to actually move on. It is not that simple!
We are made by God Almighty who we are taught is omnipotent, omnipresent and omniscient and we choose to believe this. However even as believers, we are not exempted from pain and when distress sets we often find ourselves questioning the very meaning of God or Love that He is. My daughter asked me the other day if God was indeed all-knowing and without thinking I said yes. Then I wondered why she even asked. Infact I got a bit worried that she even asked then I thought about it more and realised that I too needed clarity on that. You see when we come to Christ, someone sells and presents the gospel to us and most times there is no room to question certain things. One thing to question here was how that in his all-knowing capacity, God simply allowed evil to cause his loved ones pain. Whatever kind of pain whether deserved or not, as loved ones should we be exposed to it by one who loves us and who controls all things? Is the heartbreak, the loss, the grief, the wars and the fear we are exposed to really necessary?? My daughter needed to know, I did not have the answers for I too had often asked the same questions but never vocalised them. I asked a few leaders and there was still no convincing answer. As far as my daughter was concerned, it was better to say God is not omniscient than to believe that he knowingly exposed us to pain and suffering especially where innocent people are concerned. She struggled to place love and suffering in the same sentence. Understandably so!
However God is indeed all-knowing and wise. Attempting to describe or understand God through the lense of the world and what happens here is to simply contradict one’s decision to believe in him. A supernatural being can’t possibly be explained by a natural mind, expressed via a natural mouth. To be a believer and a follower of God means to accept that you are not in the same league, he is God above and you are man beneath. You can’t beat him so you join him. Joining him is full surrender to his lense and realm. We submit to his view as opposed to our view and lense of the world. Those that have given themselves fully to the Word of God know that the scriptures are spirit and life, tried and tested. In Romans 11:33-36, the Spirit of God says,
Oh, the depth of the riches both of the wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable are His judgments and His ways past finding out! “For who has known the mind of the LORD? Or who has become His counselor?” “Or who has first given to Him And it shall be repaid to him?” For of Him and through Him and to Him are all things, to whom be glory forever. Amen.
Clearly, God (the manufacturer) knows what is in the equipment (human) he made and what the equipment can do, withstand and howfar it can go. The equipment cannot attempt to understand its maker or counsel him as this will simply not be possible according to the srcipture above. Most of the thought processes that we exhibit in the state of pain (disappointment, frustration, confusion, fear, woundedness, stress, distress, depression etc) are targeted towards understanding the presence of God. It is in situations like these that most Christians derail or lose their faith. Suprisingly, It is also in situations like these that the lost find their way to God. When you find yourself asking a lot of whys e.g why me? Why did this happen? Why did he or she do this? etc- the time to move on has arrived. As a Christian when you find yourself doubting God- it is time to move on. By this, i do not mean move on to another faith but from that dark hole that has no answers. As a non-believer, when you find yourself asking a lot of whys, it is certainly time to consider moving on. While these questions can be thought provoking, when they do not meet sensible peace giving answers within, they begin to crack the heart even more leading to total failure to cope which can set in depression or suicidal ideas
Thanks for reading this post. Join me in Part 2 as we look at what it means to move on and how to do so.
Remember falling is not the problem, failing to riseup is!!!